As a child I used to tell stories that were more 1/2 truth than truth. I did it because I wanted people to see me and I wanted to feel loved.
I wanted to be worthy of love. I wanted to be worthy of Gods love. Because then I would get to heaven to see my Daddy.
I wanted to be seen and not be invisible so I would make up stories in the hope of being loved.
As I grew up I gradually realized that I was not boing to be loved by God because I was told I was a walking sin. I loved premarital sex, smoking, drinking, short skirts, and heavy metal music.
Today as I was listening to Nadia Boles Weber speak at the funeral of Rachel Held Evans I broke wide open. As she spoke of Mary Magdalene weeping at Jesus’ tomb she said, “Who would ever see her as whole? Who would call her by her real name?”
God has been speaking to me this whole time and I didn’t realize it until very recently.
I am chosen for this work. I am chosen not despite of who I am, but because of it.
I thought my story was ended when I was a teenager.
I thought I was unworthy of love and belonging. I thought I was meant to be used and thrown away. To use and throw away others. To be consumed by fear and anger.
Back in 2010 in the midst of incredible darkness and heartbreak I was given the greatest gift, the gift of love. The gift of a love so precious and true that it was written on a post it note and left for me to find by my lover. A note that said simply, “You are worthy.”
I told him I wasn’t. Look at my past I argued. Look at my story.
It is full of evidence that I am not worthy of love. Yet he insisted. And it took me YEARS but I finally did listen and believe.
Today I realized that I don’t know what happens when we die but I do know one thing for sure…my Daddy, he is everywhere. He is the hawk and the eagle. He is my hands and the ring of his that I wear. He loves me.
I am worthy of his love, Gods love, and the love of the man who made me a mother.
It’s Monday, step out of the darkness, raise some hell. xoxo, Dr. Melissa Bird
PS – If you haven’t done so already, follow me on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter @birdgirl1001 – it is one hell of a ride!