On August 16, 2010 my wife of 6+ years left me 5 hours after I had been inseminated. I was DEVASTATED. I crumpled into the fetal position on the kitchen floor and didn’t move for 3 days. While I was down there I prayed in earnest for the first time in my life. Dear God, please give me someone who loves me for who I am
and give me my own family. Eventually that someone showed up.
He was a he.
He was in the Army.
He was getting divorced.
He had 3 kids.
Our lives were mess
You do not have to control everything.
You do not have to create chaos where there is none.
You do not have to tell people what to do to feel like you are in control.
You are loved and this isn’t something you need to sabotage.
You are safe. No one is going to hurt you. Do not panic.
Your default is not panic.
Your default is NOT panic. Anxiety isn’t real.
It is a symptom of an old story.
It is an illusion. You don’t have to give in. You are ok. You are loved. You don
I am drowning…I am drowning in: Shame Guilt Anger Fierce HATE Insecurity Fear I am trying to pray.
I am trying to be more love centered.
I am trying to be kind.
I am trying not to run away. But… All I want to do is: Scream Throw Kick Beat Yell Cry Lash Out Breakdown Sob I am trying to have patience.
I am trying to let go.
I am trying to stop self sabotaging.
I am trying to keep looking at the sky. What is it that I don’
My good girl went on a rampage last night. She was feeling totally out of control and she threw a hissy fit more impressive than a 3 year old hyped up on sugar and soda pop. This morning my wise woman gently whispered in my ear, “Cry if you must but look outside yourself to seek inspiration and support so you can move on.” My badass buddy Leanne said, “Stop crying. You are a badass. Badasses learn and move forward, not wallow in guilt or pity for not being perfect.” These a
Lately I have been seeing myself taking a head first dive off the rim of the Grand Canyon and instead of sprouting wings (like I thought I would) my body is in a free fall, flailing itself from one rock ledge to the next. Bam-Ouch.
Smack-Aargh. Each full throttle smattering on the ledge reminds me of: An unpaid bill (bang)
A shitty should (thump)
The weight I have put on (slap)
That time that day I raised my voice at the kids (whack)
My lack of motivation to
stop and smell the roses Tonight I planted the very first Mothers Day gift I have ever been given-a miniature rose tree that K bought with her own money after she saw me swooning over it at Costco. It was very nearly dead when she brought it home to me hoping that I could bring it back to life. While I was outside I was grumbling and getting incredibly frustrated that I couldn’t find my pruning sheers so that I could make it look alive again…anger started to fill within me.