On August 16, 2010 my wife of 6+ years left me 5 hours after I had been inseminated. I was DEVASTATED. I crumpled into the fetal position on the kitchen floor and didn’t move for 3 days. While I was down there I prayed in earnest for the first time in my life. Dear God, please give me someone who loves me for who I am
and give me my own family. Eventually that someone showed up.
He was a he.
He was in the Army.
He was getting divorced.
He had 3 kids.
Our lives were mess
It is a compulsion.
The need to change the world for the better.
The impulse to improve the community for everyone. It thrums through the blood in my veins.
It resonates down deep into the tenor of my soul.
I have never not heard the siren song of the call for justice. And yet… I can advocate for others but advocating for myself is an entirely different story, especially in my capacity as a parent. I have been raising three children since Sean was 18
I am a gun owner. I am not ok with what is happening in America. Something has to give. This month my 7 year old son came home terrified about getting shot at school because he had just gone through an “active shooter drill” in his classroom. I didn’t know what to say, comparing it to the useless earthquake drills of my childhood seemed pointless considering that this year (2018) has already seen 8 shootings. I couldn’t teach my class yesterday without weeping. Weeping for th
I remember the moment I found out he had children. It was night, I had been drinking and fucking around on Facebook. I thought I had found his Facebook page. His profile picture was of kelp so I wasn’t sure if it was him or not. It said he was married. I clicked on her page and there was a little boy maybe 6 months old on the beach wearing an Army hat. The next photo was of him with her at a wedding. I completely freaked out. I wasn’t freaked out that he was married. I wasn’t
Lately I have been seeing myself taking a head first dive off the rim of the Grand Canyon and instead of sprouting wings (like I thought I would) my body is in a free fall, flailing itself from one rock ledge to the next. Bam-Ouch.
Smack-Aargh. Each full throttle smattering on the ledge reminds me of: An unpaid bill (bang)
A shitty should (thump)
The weight I have put on (slap)
That time that day I raised my voice at the kids (whack)
My lack of motivation to
stop and smell the roses Tonight I planted the very first Mothers Day gift I have ever been given-a miniature rose tree that K bought with her own money after she saw me swooning over it at Costco. It was very nearly dead when she brought it home to me hoping that I could bring it back to life. While I was outside I was grumbling and getting incredibly frustrated that I couldn’t find my pruning sheers so that I could make it look alive again…anger started to fill within me.
Over the last two years I have transitioned from being a professional lobbyist and university professor to a full time stay at home mother to three children. This life change has led me to challenge many of the personal ideas that I had about myself as a woman and has sent me on a life path that I never dreamed possible. As I very clumsily made this dramatic shift, I sought inspiration from a variety of sources and happened to stumble upon Gabrielle Bernstein’s weekly vlogs